Getting High, for D.A.R.E. Kids

"And then, something happened. I let go. Lost in oblivion. Dark and silent and complete. I found freedom. Losing all hope was freedom. "

I don't know how big of a movie-goer you are, or if you've ever ventured to the gritty side of cinema, where you can find films like Fight Club, based on the novel by Chuck Palahniuk.  I don't know if you're the type of person that sees actors reciting lines and pretending to be people they are not, or if you live every moment from beginning to end credits.

Me, I'm the type to get sucked in.  I allow the characters to talk to me and pull me close so they can show me exactly what they're saying.  Films are often an experience for me, a chance to suspend my time in reality for a while and become a silent observer.

For the first time this weekend, I finally watched Fight Club all of the way through.  Don't worry, I'm not going to divulge any spoilers or give a movie review.  I just want to tell you about my really odd episode that was a direct product of watching that movie.

The film is basically about an open rebellion against the trap of consumerism, and the extremist actions that a group took to fight it.  Of course there's a lot more to it, but the point of this blog, like I said, is not to tell you all about Fight Club.

After the film ended, I immediately noticed a change that had come over me.  I felt completely...  Well actually, I wrote it down.  Here's what I wrote:

"Just finished Fight Club for the first time.  It kind of blew my mind a little.  I was completely fascinated.  Made me really want to read the book.

I'm going to try and explain how I'm feeling before it goes away.

I feel completely... singular.  I feel like no human interaction can interrupt this state.  I am completely my own.

I have no worries or fears or joy.  I just am.  Whatever happens, happens.  I don't care either or any way.

Physical pain doesn't matter.  Life is gritty and ephemeral.  Emotions come and go.  Nothing is lasting but this confidence in myself, that I can handle literally any situation I am presented with right now and do it gracefully, artistically, effortlessly.

I am the epitome of blank, moving space.

I like this feeling, but it won't last, and I think that's a good thing.

Still, I am."

Basically, it was like I had just taken drugs.  I was high off of an idea, and even though I recognized that it wouldn't last, I let it carry me through at least an hour.  I was in Walmart and stood for half an hour by a giant pile of movies, rooting aimlessly through them, studying the covers, reading the synopsis on the back.  I didn't think about anything at all.  I felt like I could start smashing glass and the same cool would keep my skin from wrinkling in any expression of emotion.

Like all highs, the low at the tail end was staggering.  The confidence and contentedness had faded, and I was left alone with the emptiness that had been beneath it all.  The more I returned to my thoughts, the more my void of emptiness began to fill with negativity: loneliness, regret, self-degradation, fear, sadness.  I was hardly a human, let alone a companion for the friends that I was supposed to be having fun with.

With a single blow, I brought the night crashing to a sour end.

I've never taken mind-altering substances, so my simile from three paragraphs ago was just an assumption, an assimilation of knowledge that I had garnered about drugs.  I'm happy to say that I have no idea what the difference between this emotional high and a literal high is, or if they're even compatibly similar alterations.

Whether they're comparable or not, I don't know whether I'll be submitting myself to the clutches of Fight Club any time soon.  My brain aches for it, the superhuman lack of emotion and the self-confidence, but it's a dirty, malformed line to follow.

That's it; my confession of the week, my blog post of the day.  I am an impressionable college kid who gets high off of Fight Club and then submits the blogosphere to her emotional analysis of it.  Sorry, everyone.

But hey, you wanna know what's going on in my head, right?  Well, here it is.  A flash of raw.