Goodnight At Last

The most obvious thing to talk about now is Christmas, but I don't have anything to say about it.  It's been like the rest of the days that I've been spending at home; a little out of place, completely uneventful.  I'm finding myself saying "back home"


and not for the first time, I'm realizing that New Jersey isn't completely home anymore.  It's really a hard thing to wrap my head around, that the house I grew up in, the place where my family is, isn't necessarily my home.  That I could even feel at home anywhere but here is odd.  I s'pose it's a part of becoming an adult.  I'm experiencing all sorts of conflicting feelings and I DON'T LIKE IT.

I'm not saying that I hate being home and that I don't feel welcomed.  Almost the opposite; I'm falling easily back into place, like I never left.  And that's part of the problem.

I know it seems crazy and I'm probably going to sound just like every other suburban kid that goes off to college, the road paved and paid for by their parents.  In fact, I'm pretty sure that I'm getting the heads shaking, wry smiles of any adults that are reading this.  Sorry; you guys have already been through this.

The problem is that I'm not who I was three months ago.  And this is where I start to sound like a melodramatic teenager (which I still am, mind you).  I know that three months is not a long time ago.  I know that, in the grand scheme of a human life, three months is nothing.  Almost insignificant.  But the last three months have not felt insignificant to me.  I've gained the freedom to finally be the me that I've been trying to become, and I feel so good about it.

So, I'm falling back into the place that 18-year-old, pre-college me left behind, and I don't want to.  I don't like it.  I want to be able to be the new me wherever I go, but New Jersey is holding onto things that I shed.  It's as simple as a name.  It's as simple as coming back and being called something that I don't like, that feels just a little foreign to me.  A niggling reminder in my ears that I'm still not home yet.

I'm sorry, home, if I've offended you at all.  I still love you, I still appreciate you.  I wouldn't trade you for anything.  But I'm moving on, now, and every time I come back, it gets harder.  I feel less at home.  I'm starting to make myself my own, and I wish you could understand that.  I know it's hard, that it means breaking some habits that you maybe feel like you shouldn't have to break.  But I promise that I'll appreciate it .

I love you guys.  Thanks for reading my late-night rants and the silly things that I think about.  Goodnight at last.