Dear Dain,
Let's say you're married to your Irish sweetheart. would you rather:
not be able to ever hear his voice and luscious accent but make out with him
all the time OR never be able to kiss him, but you can hear his voice.
Sincerely,
I Want to Know All of The Intimate Details of Your Life
Dear Leonardo DiCaprio,
If it weren't for the fact that you have a crazy dead wife living in your head, I'd probably be okay with your walking into my dreams and extracting my secrets. I've had a pathetically boring life, and so my secrets are just your run-of-the-mill stuff. But if anybody gets stabbed in my head, it's not gonna be me, okay?
So, I get it. You were rifling around in my secrets and saw this file marked "dreams" and thought, "Perfect. This is exactly what I want." Three bullets down, past inventing pocket tacos and finding a way to make a space-travelling turtleship, you saw "marry my Irish sweetheart".
You're asking weird things about this nonexistent Irish sweetheart, but since I promised myself I would answer every question that's emailed to me in a blog post, I guess I have to answer yours. I think it's clear that I would rather be able to talk to my husband than kiss him. Let's face it, I could deal with a lifetime of lonely lips as long as I had a charming, funny husband to keep me occupied. A life is a long time to live with someone who doesn't speak. How would I know what he was feeling? How would I bond with him as a woman if we couldn't talk about things? I think that not being able to talk to him would bother me infinitely more than not being able to kiss him.
But, ew, that question was weird! I didn't want the questions to be about me, silly, I wanted them to be about life, about you, not about me.
Here are some lovely questions I've answered on Formspring:
DO YOU WIPE WITH YOUR LEFT HAND OR YOUR RIGHT HAND.
Left, brah! Just like every other good, god-fearing medieval Catholic and modern Indian (as in: India).
HAVE YOU EVER WOKEN UP BECAUSE YOU FARTED.
Uuuuuhhhh no. Have you? Is that a real thing?
would you rather be around people all the time for the rest of your life, or never eat anything good ever again?
...oh my gosh what
People. Good food would cancel out the annoyances that being with people all the time would bring.
Wait. Does that include in the bathroom and while I sleep? ...I'd still choose people. Never mind.
As you can see, it's real high-caliber stuff here. But I think you guys are missing the point! I didn't for these questions to be about me, at all. I was thinking more along the lines of a killer combo between Dear Abby, and the much more questionable White Girl Problems.
Here's an example.
"Dear Dain,
It's finals week and I'm about to go into panic mode. What should I do?
Cheerio,
Finals Week Crunch"
Dear Cereal Killer (haha, get it?),
Pass the Finals Week Crunch! Lol, just kidding. This is serious business here, am I right?
...and then what would follow would probably be this post, word for word and picture for picture. With a little grain of actual advice at the end. That is my vision.
But don't worry, I'll still answer every single question I get asked, even the weird ones. If you want me to answer it as a blog post, you'll have to email it to me. If it's on Formspring, I'll just answer it there, so keep a lookout for it.
All right, I'm done being bossy. Now onto an actual post!
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