On Hipsterdom

HIPSTERS.

(all images courtesy of LATFH)
THE ELUSIVE ANIMAL BECOMING EVER MORE POPULAR IN AMERICAN SOCIETY, ALTHOUGH POPULARITY IS A DIRTY WORD TO THE HIPSTER. 
THE FRINGE-DWELLERS WHO SUSTAIN THEMSELVES WITH ORGANIC FOODS AND VINTAGE CLOTHES.
THE GLAMOROUS HOBOS.






THE BANE AND KING OF FASHION.
THE PABST AND TEA, IRONY AND EARNESTNESS, WORLD CULTURE AND AMERICANA GURUS OF THE MODERN AGE.Many have studied these young outliers, the people whose goal is to be as distinctly individual as possible (but distinctly the same individual).  Few understand them.

Acceptance within Hipsterdom requires a vast knowledge of art and literature, as long as it isn't contemporary factory-grade drivel pushed out by grotesque cash cow uteri and slopped onto the masses like mystery meat on a cafeteria tray.

It requires the knowledge that you are always right, because you're clearly a better read and more open-minded individual than anyone else you come in contact with, proven by the line of a Sylvia Plath poem tattooed proudly on your inner forearm (or your side).

It also requires a sharp and well-rounded sense of fashion; you must have the eye to pair green plaid with that frumpy argyle jumper your aunt knitted for you last Christmas, then top it off with a Salvador Dali mustache, a pair of leather pants, and hiking boots.  Carry The Metamorphosis by Franz Kafka or perhaps a book of French poetry, but take care that the title is clearly visible.  Must be worn with smugness, so that people know you are being ironic instead of moronic.

If you are a man, consider growing a beard.  Everything looks better when your jawline is roughed up by an all-American, trimmed beard.  Don't want to be too all-American.

If you are a woman, wear one of those hippy headband things that make you instantly 100x more attractive, and pair it with an XXXL button-down man's shirt you're pretending is a dress.  Never wear pants unless absolutely necessary.

When ordering a drink at Starbucks, make sure it has soy in it.
When looking for new music, screw CDs.  Go for the much more manageable vinyl versions of Fleet Foxes and Ra Ra Riot.  Also buy large vinyls of artists like Jimmy Buffett, and carry them around with the cover visible.  Don't forget that you bought it because it's ironic, not because you're a fan of "Margaritaville" or "Cheeseburger in Paradise".

Above all, constantly search for past trends which have long died, and bring them back.  Things like high-waisted jeans, wooden shoes, and leather chaps are excellent considerations.
Last but not least, remember: you are not a hipster.
OK, let's cut to the chase here.  I'm a Mormon, and recently Mormon youth are getting a lot of attention for straying to the hipster side of the culture and fashion spectrum.  There's a great article on The New York Times about Mormon hipsters, and it explains the lurch into hipsterdom as a convergence of trying to fit in while adhering to church standards.  Vintage is a big deal in hipsterdom, and vintage clothing is generally more modest than modern clothing, so Mormon kids are jumping at the hipster craze as a chance to express their "hip-ness", to be a member of contemporary society, while both embracing and hiding their inherent "Mormon-ness".
Hipsters like liberal arts colleges because they cost a lot of money and there's usually a certain degree of exclusiveness to them, seeing as they have generally small student bodies.  I go to a liberal arts college, and not only a liberal arts college, but a largely LDS one.
As a Mormon and a 20 year old, lib arts college student, I am the prime hipster.  I'm an English major, which bumps me further into hipsterdom, and I am passionate about travel, giving me a few more hipster points.  I've been blessed with a naturally high metabolism, giving me that waif-like body type that hipsters flock to.  My facial features are just strange enough that I stand out from the crowd of more normal-looking girls with small noses and big teeth, but they're not strange enough that I'm Quasimodo.
My name is Dain, and I'm not a hipster.  All of the traits are there, but I need to tell you right now that I am not, nor will I ever be, a hipster.  I'm so close to one that I'm often accused of being one (my Monet bag and  Mona Lisa watch don't help me).  
I need to tell you all right now that 
I. AM. NOT. A. HIPSTER.
I AM NOT A SELF-RIGHTEOUS, POMPOUS BRAT WHOSE MAIN GOAL IN LIFE IS TO IMPRESS OTHER PEOPLE WITH MY GRASP OF IRONY AND CULTURE.
I DO NOT OWN AN IPHONE OR EVEN A MACBOOK.  I OWN AN IPOD FROM 2007.
I DO NOT DRINK PABST OR CHAI LATTE MOCHA FRAPPA SOY WHATEVER FROM STARBUCKS.
I am a young, Mormon English major getting a good education at a great liberal arts school.  I like fashion, and I like to be weird.  I love art, I love traveling, I love music, I love books.  I like to write.  I like to drink herbal tea because it makes my inner writer happy.  I like to listen to people talk about their lives.  I don't think that I know everything.  Actually, I'm pretty sure that I know next to nothing.
MY NAME IS DAIN.I'M NOT A HIPSTER.
THE END.